a collection of pretty thoughts

I like to think that I am a wise girl who has her life together. It happens in the evening, in the late hours of midnight, when the world is half asleep and no one can see me standing on my tallest tiptoes (still a mirrorball girlie). But when I wake up, it’s very easy for doubts and fears to seep into my blood.

I brave through it. Always.

I mean, you don’t have much choice when there’s a Math exam and Linguistics quiz threatening your GPA all in one day. I like to think that my philosophical ideas are the best, but I keep reminding myself that everyone thinks differently. What appeals to me could potentially be meaningless to you. Nonetheless, I’d like to keep this published because my own words are my fuel on particularly tough days.

I’ve had a three-week break from school, so here are four things that kept my mess of a brain on its toes for the last 21 days.

1. “You can be an artist in the broadest sense possible. There is no label and no one can define you as an artist.”

Oddly, I find myself going back to the words of Janice Koh, a Singaporean actress from Crazy Rich Asians, a singer, and a former Nominated Member of Parliament in Singapore. I had the pleasure of meeting and getting a photo with her during the Harvard Asia Conference (HPAIR) in Hong Kong last year. Elegant, well-spoken, and inspiring, Koh talked about her love for art and how she bounced back from being a passionate vocalist turned disabled singer with a tongue ailment. Like all other HPAIR trailblazers, Ms. Koh was nothing short of phenomenal.

For the longest time, I’ve been unconsciously drifting away from art. Obviously, I love writing, and I do graphic design for Mochi Merch. In theory, there doesn’t appear to be any problem. But look, I never identified as an “artist”. Truth be told, it oftentimes feels like a crime to the artsy indie kids; you know, the ones who visit museums, probably say impressive words like impressionist or esoteric, and have exquisite fashion taste (a clean girl peplum top and white pants don’t count).

But rather than letting quirky kids gatekeep the artist status, Koh says that you can take the 9-5 marketing job, do a comedy gig on the side, and call yourself an artist. There are no rules to art. It’s funny when I look back at my childhood and remember how I used to call myself a painter. I was six or seven, taking painting classes at an art school owned by my best friend’s family. I’d made paintings, albeit very hideous ones, on bond papers and sold them to my family for ten pesos each. I stopped once I saw that a lot of other kids were better than me. And while I do like painting, it never called out to me. Not as much as writing. And with what society says about art, it was only a matter of time before my younger self decided that my acrylics and paintbrushes were all but child’s play. 

Of course, art is profoundly irreplaceable in human society. We live and breathe art; it’s the interior of your room when you wake up, the billboards next to your school, your Spotify-wrapped, the K-Drama you secretly love. I recently designed coquette stickers for my shop and there’s something incredibly solemn about sitting in silence and arranging all the elements until it looks like one cohesive piece of extravagance. You look at the lines, the shading, the intricate little details that only you can notice – it’s all one puzzle, and it feels satisfying when they all click in place.

I’m not the “indie art kid”. I’m far from it. But to put Janice Koh’s philosophy to justice, I like the art I’m doing, and I’m learning to be more comfortable with identifying as an artist.

2. TikTok has made me comfortable with being a dreamer again.

As a society, when did we collectively agree that we love being basic? I love being like every other girl. Thanks to the Barbie movie, pink is cool again. Toys and trinkets like Sonny Angels are welcomed. Sanrio, as weird kid-coded as it used to be, is in. And for some reason, my TikTok for you page has tons of aesthetic Pinterest mood boards about dreamers and girlypops conquering the world. What is this paradigm shift and how do I live in it forever? I love my TikTok fyp.

Cue the Euphoria TikTok audio: “Maddie Laura knew who she was at a young age.” Earlier today, “Show Yourself” from Frozen 2 was blasting in the car and my mom teared up while driving. Growing up with Baby Boomer parents, my Gen X mother has always been upfront about her feeling quite misguided during her youth. It wasn’t until her adulthood that she authentically tapped into her potential and realized who she is and what else she could be.

I am nothing like my mother — not in this situation. I always know what I want. I know who I am. I recognize my potential; if anything, I’d even be quietly overconfident about my skills. I have tremendous dreams I wouldn’t dare broadcast on this blog, but seeing TikTok content that welcomes romantics like me diminishes the proximity I’d been forced to establish between me and my boldness. Dreams, love, and passion are some of my favorite words as a kid, but eventually had to be nuanced once career fairs and college applications became an annual conversation. 

Don’t even rebut me with “dreams are idealistic” or “I don’t have dreams, I have goals.” I want none of that here. Stop feeling so spiteful about the word! Stop taking yourself so seriously and philosophizing everything about life. 

You can be a dreamer and a doer.

Dreams will give you direction. Your efforts are completely useless if you lack a clear vision of what you want to accomplish. And if you’re going to dream, dream deep. My entire life is centered around my dreams and my passion is the reason I get out of bed every morning.

How has society ever tricked you into thinking that your dreams are too silly?

3. I like working.

Trust me, I hate the hustle culture that Millennials seem to adore. But when I work at my own pace, I feel a wonderful sense of fulfillment. In connection with my earlier discussion, it’s crucial to note that my work is aligned with my dreams. I am working because I have dreams. And that’s what gives me so much energy.

The entire world disappears when you’re only focusing on yourself and your goals. 

On top of balancing my schoolwork, I’m working on multiple things right now. I’ll never share it but it has a lot to do with my securing the future life that I want. I do everything I can to make my dreams a reality.

4. Education is the key to changing the world.

As a UP kid, I’m going to come clean and say that I’m a bit of a nerd. Frankly, everyone in UP is a nerd, in one way or another, in the best way possible. That’s one of the things I love about my university: how your love of learning is never mocked. The world is your classroom and you can be as grade-conscious as you’d like. That being said, I will once again emphasize how privileged I feel to be Iskolar ng Bayan.

However, it breaks my heart that I was lucky enough to attain the best quality education in the country, while some kids are barely getting by. It hurts my heart that Filipino kids rank the lowest in the world when it comes to Math, Science, and English.

Not many people know this about me, but I have a nine-year-old godson who goes to public school. He struggles with Math, but even more so in English. His textbooks are useless because everything is written in English, and his teacher barely gives proper instructions (I know because there is a group chat for parents and guardians; in which everything is vague and informalized). I’d teach him, and we’d take two steps forward and three steps back because his mom, who stopped schooling by grade six, fails to educate him properly.

Growing up in your average Catholic private school in the Philippines, I’d sorely taken my education for granted. From elementary to senior high school, studying had been a default in my life, sometimes an obligation that I had no choice but to do. But now more than ever, I see it as a total blessing. I’m lucky to receive high-quality education; other kids deserve it too.